Oct 11, 2016 | Bout News

Season 13: The Preview

By Slamurai Jack

The summer’s 90-degree heat is becoming a fading memory as days shorten, leaves change, and the beaches clear out. But just as temperatures are dropping, things are heating up in Saint Paul with the beginning of Minnesota RollerGirls 13th season at the Roy Wilkins Auditorium.

The four home teams are ready to give it their all on October 15th in the home opener - Our Lady of Immaculate Concussions. The newly-drafted fresh meat will be blessed with bruises and christened with big hits. Let’s take a look at what the teams have in store for us this season.

Garda Belts

Who they are: Garda Belts are the hardest-skating and hardest-partying team in roller derby. They’re aggressive, fun, and aggressively fun. Going into the 2016 season they have a good blend of newer skaters and seasoned vets. They’re close-knit, smart, and ready to clobber the competition.

Newly Drafted: Baller from North Star Roller Girls just joined the team from MNRG Bootcamp. She was the first and only pick from the draft. From the start the Gardas knew she’d fit right in.

Other Lineup Changes: Mugsy Marauder transferred from the Atomic Bombshells. Anita Spankston and Zelda Hitzgerald are both back from a brief hiatus last year. Dr. Sorders retired and she’ll be sorely missed.

Captains' Predictions: "The Gardas are trying to bring back the element of entertainment- leg whips, waitressing, and cool skating tricks. The Gardas have been skating on ramps all Summer and are ready to show off our agility on the track. With the veterans on our roster combined with newer skaters, we plan to take advantage of that and mix old school flair with new school strategy."- Scootaloo

Atomic Bombshells

Who they are: They’re the teamy-est of teams. Other teams think the Bombshells are just too close to each other. They don’t get what it means to bleed orange. With well-balanced jammers and blockers, the Bombshells are the team to beat this year after their championship win last home season.

Newly Drafted: Chocolate Pain formerly of MedCity Mafia joins the team this year. She is a force on the track and a Bombshell at heart. The Bombshells wanted her, and she wanted them.

Other Lineup Changes: Messi Jiggler and Freeze Baby have returned from their pseudo-retirements. The Bombshells have top-notch bench coaches this season: true Bombshell and former head coach of the MNRG All Stars, Boombay Safire will be the track-facing coach. Also, former Bombshell team captain and world traveler Ema Leethal will be their bench-facing coach.

Captain’s Predictions: “We’re going to start slow, but end fast and strong. Our fans are going to watch how much we improve both mentally and physically across the season so that we continue to dominate and retain the Golden Skate. This season MNRG fans are really going to understand how deep our roster is. The other home teams are going to understand how strong and physical we are.” - Bully Jean


Who they are: Rockits are pretty, Rockits are smart, and Rockits are aggressively themselves. They’ll be defending their win of the Gilded Steak from the first game last year. The Rockits focus on defense rather than offense and adopt new strategies faster than other teams. The Rockits are the like those odd ducks in your friend group, and they’re all on one team. Threat level: RED.

Newly Drafted: Myrtle Kombat, Moose Def-initely, Coley Smokes all joined from MNRG’s bootcamp. Daft Spunk transferred in from Windy City.

Other Lineup Changes: Ana Stick retired and has left a Rockit-sized hole in our hearts. Mae Gusta and Strawberry StrikeHer have both stepped back from skating, but are still heavily involved with the league.

Captain’s Predictions: “Rockits took the most new skaters, so our first few games are working to gel our lineups. We are excited to see skaters stepping up into new roles, either jamming or leading on the track.” - Animal

Dagger Dolls

Who they are: The Dagger Dolls have fun and work hard. No matter if they're winning or losing, they're leaving it all on the track. Penalty trouble plagued the Dagger Dolls last season, but they’re focused and ready to move past that and stay sharp against the other teams.

Newly Drafted: Killer Bea and spaz cadet, solid and entertaining skaters, both joined the Dagger Dolls this season.

Other Lineup Changes: Freddy stepped down from active skating but is staying on as bench coach this season. Freddy brings derby smarts and a calming presence to the bench. The Dagger Dolls also have a new dance squad this year to pump the team up and get the crowd even more engaged. October 15th will be Winona Collider's last bout with MNRG, so be ready to see a lot of her on the track for her triumphant last bout.

Captain’s Predictions: “We are building upon what Killz and Millz have been doing with the Dolls the last couple seasons. We will be pushing the team to integrate higher levels of strategy into our game. The challenge we face often is that we have a relatively small team compared to the others, but powerful things come in small packages! One challenge is our penalty count... we're working to play cleaner and smarter this season. Fans will see the Dolls more calm and ready to take on any team. Fans will also see hugs and high-fives all around because at the end of the day we're excited we get to play roller derby in the best arena in the world! We will continue to outlast the competition and fight hard with our never say die attitude on the track. Skate, Fight, Die!" - Kung POW Bitchin’

The Gilded Steak

Our home opener will be a mini-tournament to showcase the new skaters and lineups for each team. The Gilded Steak goes to the winning team for this first home tournament. Cheer for your favorite skaters on October 15th as they play in four mini-bouts that will give us a glimpse of what’s in store for the rest of the season. Get your tickets ahead of time for Our Lady of Immaculate Concussions and count your blessings.