Minnesota RollerGirls - Flat-track, skater-owned roller derby league in the Twin Cities of Minneapolis/St. Paul

Bout #1 Atomic Bombshells vs. Garda Belts

The first match of the night began with Mitzi Massacre of the Bombshells and Suzie Smashbox of the Garda Belts touching off for a scoreless jam. The Bonesetter, Marilyn Monrogue, and Lizzy the Axe found answers to Smashbox's speed, leap-frogging past to bury Suzie in blockers. ABS co-captain Cleosplatra broke through the pack in the next jam with GB Angelfire on her wheeled heels. Each earned four points, despite heavy resistance from the ABS front line of Chinese Takeout and Bonesetter. Lizzy blew past the Garda Belt defense next, allowing the Bombshells to go ahead by four in only a minute. Suzie returned to the line against ABS newcomer Sugar Cain, kicked it into top gear on the straightaway, lapped, and sped for five against the Bombshells. Meantime, Cain fell victim repeatedly to off-color Garda Belt blocker Tiki Torture. 9-8 with the GBs in the lead with just over 11 minutes to go.

Jammers Mitzi and Angelfire then fell victim to two very persistent defenses. GB veteran Cupcake blind-sided Mitzi, pulling her into the dead zone of a corner where she fell back behind the pack. Angelfire could not pass the pack before Mitzi returned, and neither scored. A timeout was called, and Wet Spot unleashed the brand-new t-shirt cannon on an unsuspecting crowd.

Demora Liza extended the lead by one in the next jam, but Lizzy the Axe took the lead back for the Bombshells while her opponent, Suzie Smashbox, was sent to the penalty box for accumulated minors. Lizzy stole three points, called off the jam, and flipped the jammer power play to Sugar Cain, who jammed unopposed. 'Genesis 4:8' shot through the pack and put two more points on the board for the Bombshells. Bombshells 14, Garda Belts 11 with four minutes to go. Demora Liza sped for six points the very next jam and, at the half, the score was 17-14 with the Gardas just pushing ahead due to smart blocking on the part of Gardas Tiki Torture and Citizen Pain. Credit should be given to both defenses for the low score; the teams were putting up a tight blocking line and controlling their opposing jammers very, very well.

Buffy the Vampire Skater opposed Angelfire in the first jam of the first half. Although Angelfire almost passed the pack, a well-timed Monrogue hit set her spinning to the back. The Pizza Lucé Player of the Game, Inspectress Gadget, returned the favor on Buffy, and Angelfire broke out of the pack, scoring three points. The next three jams would bring the score to 23-21 in favor of the green team, but Garda Belts were starting to run into serious penalty trouble. GB rookie Dieann Isis took on Mitzi next. Mitzi beat the pack and began to accumulate points from passing a penalty box stuffed with Garda Belts. Ann E Briated stopped the bleeding by pulling down Mitzi and getting ejected for her troubles. Suzie Smashbox took the line unopposed after Mitzi had been sent to the box for retaliation and was able to lap the pack with little resistance.

Quieting the game down for a moment, Angelfire and Lizzy returned to the line with two players from each team in the penalty box – illegal hits were running fast and furious, and the refs were keeping busy. Lizzy took the lead and ... Angelfire goes to the penalty box! This was a tremendous opportunity for the Atomic Bombshells ... and then, suddenly, it got bigger.

Both Hanna Belle Lector and Inspectress Gadget were sent to the penalty box. Only Cupcake was still skating for the Garda Belts and the advantage was Lizzy's to take ... and take it she did. Lizzy scored a full ten points on that jam, pulling the lead kicking and screaming away from the Garda Belts. Score: 33-27 in favor of the Atomic Bombshells with six minutes remaining.

Suzie and Bombshell vet Betty Bruiser returned to the jammer line. Suzie strolled straight through the ABS defense and became lead but both scored two. Demora Liza and Mitzi Massacre took to the track next. Mitzi got herded by Garda Belt Citizen Pain, but tragedy struck the Garda Belts as Demora Liza got sent to the box following an altercation with Marilyn Monrogue that sent Liza to the penalty box while Demora was wearing the jammer star. To be clear, rules dictate that if a jammer goes to the box, there can be no jammer at the starting line for her team in the next jam. At that critical moment, the Garda Belts were without a jammer.

Play continued with two minutes remaining. Cleosplatra jammed alone as the Garda Belts on the track tried to deal with the situation. The game rapidly devolved as the refs missed two major illegal hits by the Garda Belts, including a tremendous tilt-a-whirl takedown on Cleosplatra by Savage Animal. The next jam was stopped prematurely by Lizzy the Axe being pulled down by Garda Belt captain Rumblebee just as Demora Liza returned from the penalty box. With forty-five seconds to go, Suzie Smashbox and Lizzy did not have time to put points on the board, but a flagrant takedown by Cupcake and a pier-six brawl on the back straightaway ended a match that started as a defensive clinic and ended in chaos. The rematch of these two teams will not be one to miss on the 12th.

Final Score: Atomic Bombshells 37 – Garda Belts 29

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Bout #2 Rockits vs. Dagger Dolls

Dagger Doll speedster Roxanne Rolls returned to the jammer line for the first time in 2008 to the cheers of Dolly groupies everywhere. Taking her on was Harmony Killerbruise for the Rockits. Roxanne took the lead jam by a hair and darted ahead of Killerbruise in the lapping sprint. However, the Rockits blockers took down both Sweet Justice and Mary Tyler Roar behind Roxanne, giving Harmony several targets to pass in Roxy's blind spot before the Dagger Doll called off the jam.

Sparkle Ninja took the lead in the next jam and Barbie Brawl shepherded her through the lapping pass with Rockit jammer Vuedoo Prodigy just a few strides behind. Sparkle evened up the score to 6-5 with the Rockits just a point ahead.

The crowd rumbled as longtime rivals Rebel Stella and Jawbreaker stepped to the line, and with the second whistle, the two jammers were off. Stella stole momentum off of fellow Dolly Sinnamin, but it was Jawbreaker who would take the lead. Lapping hard, Jawbreaker blurred past the Doll blockers for a quick four and called off the jam before Stella could earn more than a single point for the Dolls. Dudezilla added to the Rockit lead by four, scoring as quickly as had #86. The first round of jammers completed as Scootaloo (Dagger Doll) and Abbie Mischief (Rockit) came to the line. Scootaloo trounced her way through the Rockit defense for three points despite Harmony Killerbruise's best efforts to lay a check on her. Killerbruise became the first player in the match to be sent to Grandma's Kitchen for her trouble – nine full minutes into the game. The score was 14-9 in the red team's favor.

Roxanne and Harmony returned to the line and Roxanne took the lead jammer. Harmony stole points again from Roxanne's blocker line before the Dagger Doll could call the jam off. Jawbreaker and Sparkle Ninja paired off in the next jam. Ninja grabbed the lead while Jawbreaker got distracted by Scootaloo's strong blocking attempt. However, Sparkle quickly called off the jam as 'Breaker passed her in the sprint.

Early in the next jam, Rockit Vuedoo Prodigy slipstreamed the Doll jammer Rebel Stella to pass through the Dagger defense, but ran into trouble in every sense of the word at the front of the pack as Harmony Killerbruise sent Stella into the corner. Stella recovered and took the lead as Vuedoo struggled to break past Candi Pain and Wonderbroad. Rebel Stella scored on an excellent jam.

Jawbreaker won a quick lead in the last jam of the half while Honeydew Felon sent Mary Tyler Roar into the corner, killing the Doll's momentum. Jawbreaker lapped Mary and the Dagger defense for five points, and at the half the score was 23-17 in another tense, defensive game.

Vuedoo Prodigy took four points from the Dollies in the first jam of the second half, while Sparkle Ninja encountered stiff resistance from Scarmen Hellectra, came up blank, and at the last moment was went to Grandma's Kitchen on accumulated minor penalties.

The bad start got worse; Jawbreaker took to the line unopposed. In a double powerplay position with Sparkle Ninja and Mary Tyler Roar in penalties, 'Breaker sped through her initial pass, took lead jammer, and performed a stunning pirouette over a fallien Roxanne Rolls as she lapped the pack to riotous cheers. Jawbreaker called off the jam as Sparkle Ninja left the box. Harmony Killerbruise extended the lead by five while jamming against Mary Tyler Roar ... and suddenly, the Rockits were ahead 41-17.

Doll jammer Scootaloo took to the line next versus Dudezilla. Neither scored; Scootaloo busted early through the pack, but was stymied at the last minute from scoring by Dudezilla calling off the jam as she emerged legally from the pack as the lead jammer.

The Dolls called a timeout to reassess and sent Roxanne Rolls to the line against Jawbreaker. Although the clock showed eleven minutes to go, the team in pink was losing the ability to come back from a 24-point lead with every loss of a lead jam. Honeydew Felon immediately took down Rolls as Jawbreaker surged past the pack. Neither jammer took the lead and Roxanne could not burst the defense of Rockit blocker Honeydew Felon. In that time, two Dolls went to the Battering Gram's Penalty Kitchen and Jawbreaker was again able to score nine unanswered points. Scootaloo returned to the line against Harmony and scored the first two points of the half for the Dagger Dolls while Killerbruise took the lead and earned four. 54-19 with seven minutes remaining.

Doll fans watched the clock tick by as the pink team came up empty in the next two jams. Vuedoo took a surprise lead on Rebel Stella and called off the jam before the Dagger Doll speedster could up for lost points. Neither Roxanne Rolls nor Abbie Mischief could make a dent on a strong defensive pack in the next jam. Honeydew Felon and the Rockit defense held back Roxy, while Abbie Mischief was ably handled by Lydia Punch and Hell N. Ready. Both jammers got sent to the box as time elapsed on the jam.

Tough-as-old-knee-pad blockers Fixie Chic and Soylent Mean were called in as emergency jammer substitutes to make up for the empty jammer line. Fixie got the lead jam for the Dagger Dolls and scored two precious points, but the jam was called early when Candi Pain got called on a penalty and went backwards to the Kitchen. Soylent Mean – never missing an opportunity to engage a blocker – could not resist and laid a shoulder block on Candi that was heard in Brainerd.

With two minutes remaining, Scootaloo returned to the line against Vuedoo Prodigy. On her very first pass through the pack, Scoots took down Jawbreaker illegally and was ejected by the refs.

Vuedoo broke from the line unopposed in the last jam of the bout, scoring two points and gaining the award of Pizza Lucé Player of the Game. The clock reached zero, and the Rockits completed the regular season by beating every opponent by more than a 2-to-1 ratio.

Final score: Rockits 56, Dagger Dolls 21.

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The stage is set. The teams have three weeks to prepare for the final bout of the season. The championship bout is coming, derby fans. The Golden Skate is nigh. We'll see you on the 12th.

Reporting from where all the women are strong, all the men are accessories, and all the children turn left,
-Garrison Killer

Final Scores:
Atomic Bombshells 37 – Garda Belts 29
Rockits 56 – Dagger Dolls 21

A message from The Alt Bike & Board:
The Alt Grand Jury has broken the mold and has elected two winners of the Alt-Tastic Hit of the Bout for the March 22nd match-ups. We saw some great hits on Saturday and are excited that the girls are having fun being fearless. Our first winner, for her Alt-Tastic hit on Jawbreaker in the first half of their bout, is Dagger Dolls #300, Roxanne Rolls. That girl has a lot of spunk. Then, just when we thought the bout was over, we saw the most daring move of the season. Our second Alt-Tastic hit goes to Dagger Dolls #666, Candi Pain. She is fun to watch play and sweet as candi, but this girl has another part to her name, and at this bout, she showed that she also knows how to bring the pain. Congratulations Roxanne Rolls and Candi Pain for winning the Alt-Tastic Hits of the Bout on March 22nd! Come get your Alt-Tastic Hit helmet sticker, your $30 gift certificate, and a big high five, from The Alt Boys.