Minnesota RollerGirls - Flat-track, skater-owned roller derby league in the Twin Cities of Minneapolis/St. Paul

The MNRG all-star team travelled this past weekend to the home of the Mad Rollin’ Dolls of Madison, WI to play not one, not two, but three bouts before enthusiastic crowds at the (take a breath before you say it) Women’s Flat Track Derby Association’s Eastern Regionals. WFTDA invited only twelve teams east of the Mississippi to compete in Dairyland against the very best of the modern flat-track movement. Placed ninth in the East, Minnesota were serious underdogs, but we came ready to fight.

Now, there’s no need to sugarcoat this. We were knocked out of competition to play at WFTDA Nationals in our first bout against Madison’s travel team, the Dairyland Dolls. Minnesota was hit with penalties right off of the first whistle with a sequence of three jams in which our jammers was smacked with one track-cutting penalty after another. As the new season progresses, we’ll be revisiting this modification to the WFTDA rule book, but the long and the short of it is that a jammer - once hit out of bounds by an opponent - cannot re-enter the track in front of a player that they have not legally passed. They must wait for the player to pass them before they re-engage.

Now, this sounds small, Derby fans, but if a jammer goes ahead with an illegal pass, she will either get hit with a minor or a major penalty. A major means one minute in the penalty box with no ability to score points; it’s a power play situation that we found ourselves in again and again throughout the first match.

After a brief timeout following the first three jams (during which time Mouse, Wildberry Punch, and Jewels of Denile from Madison scored 24 unanswered points), we found our balance and took the battle to the Dolls as our own Garda Belt veteran Hanna Belle Lector put up our first few points. Though we were short-staffed (five of MNRG’s all-star team had to pull out before the tournament, and both Angelfire and Suzie Smashbox were benched with injuries), jammers Jawbreaker, Vuedoo Prodigy, Cleosplatra, and Demora Liza all took turns bringing the Minnesota hurt to Madison. However, with strong performances from Madison’s defense (Dairyland’s Stitch and Dutch Oven in particular), the gap widened and we were down 71-29 at the half.

Our All-Stars continued to struggle in the second half, despite a stronger focus on blocking and staying out of track-cutting danger. Fans of Bombshell badass Misfit Maiden will be disappointed to learn that they missed appearances by their hero at the Jammer line several times throughout the weekend. Rockit supporters would have been proud to see near-entire defensive packs made of their sparkly red athletes. Killahertz, Frau Scientits, Honeydew Felon, and Scarmen Hellectra - potent players in the home team - played well out there. But the real story of this bout was how successful Madison was at blocking to clear the way for their jammers. Time and again, the Dairyland offense bombarded the MNRG defensive line, which would often be nicked by trips to the penalty box for our blockers and pivot. The Madison defense would then turn around and have the presence of mind to tear into our jammers, sending our players directly into the bleachers. MNRG lost, 143-67, but they will have a fantastic opportunity to get revenge on November 22nd as the Dairyland Dolls travel once again to the Legendary Roy Wilkins Auditorium to take on their Northern rivals.

Our next game was in the consolation bracket with Cincinnati, played less than six hours after Minnesota’s last bout ended. Now, this is not the first time that Minnesota players have played against SK8R-Kinney, Sadistic Sadie, and the girls of Cincy. Our own Garda Belts were beaten by a brutal Cincinnati team at the Roy almost exactly a year ago. Cincinnati is a smaller organization - they have no home teams to speak of, and the Black Sheep (their travel team) began this season in March. They have a lot of experience running plays as a single unit and brought all of that knowledge to bear in a tense bout against MNRG.

Our own Suzie Smashbox decided to wear a brace and play this bout rather than getting bench sores to the consternation of fans in the bleachers (oh, who am I kidding? We cheered our head off when she went to the Jammer line the first time). Jawbreaker and Suzie took a quick lead on the Black Sheep with the help of improved blocking from Minnesota’s front four. Misfit Maiden and Scarmen Hellectra pulled no punches in peeling off opponents and protecting our jammers. We were running on all cylinders, and ten minutes into the game we had a comfortable 23-7 lead. Cincinnati clearly was sweating and called a time out after Candy KickASS - one of the three primary Cincy jammer - had been sent to the box.

The timeout seemed to do the job. Cincinatti’s blockers got out there and broke up our rhythm a little bit, keeping us from grabbing slams and the quick points that we began the game with. And then with about six minutes left to play, Demora Liza got sent to the box while jamming against Sadistic Sadie. Sadie - I have no other word for it - POUNCED with a double grand slam (two laps of the pack with Liza in the box waiting out her time) and tied up the game. At the half, we were suddenly just a little behind, 34-42.

The second half began well; although the Black Sheep grazed for easy points on the outside of the pack by using Sadie almost every single jam, Smashbox and Jawbreaker brought Minnesota even with Cincinnati, including a huge double slam on the part of Suzie. With twenty minutes to go, the score was all tied at 53.

The next ten minutes were taut. Lead jams were passed between the two teams and no one player got more than two points until Hannah Barbaric came to the line against Harmony. Both teams were playing very smart, keeping their penalties to a minimum, afraid of what a loss of a jammer would do in such a tight game. Barbarc took the Minnesota pack for four points, then Vuedoo Prodigy went to the line against Sadie and got called immediately almost immediately on a penalty. Sadie divebombed our defensive line, while Sadie’s blockers opened up paths for the all-star to sprint. In that one jam, Sadistic Sadie made thirteen points, and with nine minutes remaining we were suddenly behind 58-77. Two jams later, Sadie grabbed another four with Cincinatti’s Panterrorize sending her flying through the outside turn before our blockers could react. We did not score again, and as the final whistle blew, Minnesota had been defeated a second time in a day, 58-89.

Our third match at the tournament was a wholly different matter. The next day, we played Providence - a team that has played national-level Roller Derby since 2006, but who has just had a fresh injection of new talent in their travel team. The uncertainty of some players on the track showed throughout the weekend. For the first fifteen minutes of the hour-long bout, Suzie Smashbox, Harmony Killerbruise, Mitzi Massacre, and Jawbreaker did nothing but score. How many points, you ask? 42. How many unanswered points? 42. What’s more, our blockers were providing tremendous support to our jammers and juggled the Providence Riveters like so many bright red balls. Misfit Maiden provided tremendous support to Mitzi during several passes. Citizen Pain laid out Dasilya Bullet that rung the Riveter’s bell, and Citi’s hit on Dasilya was part of Suzie’s fourteen point jam. But after forty-two unanswered points, Providence’s Baby Fighterfly finally took the lead and scored eight while Suzie cooled her skates in the penalty box.

While Minnesota’s team had taken the lessons of the previous two bouts to heart in regard to the heightened level of play and greater regulation, Providence was clearly struggling. Throughout the rest of the period, The Rhode Island Riveters scored only three points to our sixteen, and many of their players were spending more time in the penalty box than on the track. We were ahead 58-11 at the half.

At this point, I could tell you all about that final half; how Providence fell apart in the face of a strong Minnesota offense and how our blockers kept Rhode Island from scoring in the double digits. But the score says it all, Derby fans. Final score, 143-16. If the game was lopsided coming into the second half, we upended it and sank it by the end of the game.

Eastern Regionals 2008 may not have been Minnesota’s finest hour, but there is time and there is talent for the MNRG All-Stars’ captains over this next year to craft a team to play against the very best of WFTDA. And derby fans, we have a goal. Write this down: on September 18th, 2009, the finest teams of the newly-minted WFTDA North Central Division will travel to the Legendary Roy Wilkins Auditorium to fight it out over three days of truly top-shelf Roller Derby. After the new season of MNRG action, we’ll see the best of our best take on all comers on home turf. The clock is ticking.